Eric rolls in with this question….
Name: Eric
Message: Hi. I’ve been an atheist for about a year & couple of months now, I was just wondering if any of you fellow atheist could help me out, see…my problem is I’ve found myself worrying about the death of my love ones. I just can’t bare the thought of loosing a loved one specialy those closest to me family. Got this fear that I just can’t get rid off. Sometimes just looking at my mum or granny makes me sad, see I’m not rich & don’t have money to seek profesional help, I don’t even know what this fear is. So what would you have done if you were in my shoes, see I’m not afraid of death, the only thing keepin me from not commiting suicide is the grieve I will give em if I do so, I don’t want to be selfish. Please just need advise. Thanks.
First Eric, if you are having problems dealing with your emotions to the point where you are considering suicide, get help now. There are low cost and even free assistance that is out there. You can try asking your local college if their graduate psych classes have a program. Many do. Whatever you do, don’t let it go to long without getting help.
As for your fear of losing a loved one, that’s understandable. When one looses their faith they can also feel an emptiness that was once filled with their religious belief. It can be difficult to learn to fill that void, especially when you’re not being told what to think or do, as religion tends to do. Learning to deal with the fear of loved ones dying can be difficult. What I and others have found that helps is surrounding yourself with people who have gone through it. Try looking for an atheist meetup in your area or try joining your local Atheist Alliance group (or whatever group may be in your area). If you can’t find one, start one, you may be surprised how many people show up. Along with that, try getting some advice from atheist forums like The Rational Responders and listen to the stories that other atheists have to share.
Keep in mind that the reason we usually fear things is because we don’t understand them. A boxer who studies his opponent doesn’t fear him because he has an idea of what to expect. By trying to understand where your fear is coming from, and by facing it directly, you may find your fear slowly start to fade away and discover that you’ve replaced it with an understanding that you didn’t have before. In the truest sense, knowledge is power.
I hope that helps. If you have further questions feel free to ask them in the comment section bellow. I’m sure a few of our regulars would be happy to give you their advice as well.
Eric … this is purely from what I have seen … so it may not apply to you. As atheists, fears do tend to get exaggerated in our minds as one of the most commonly used coping mechanisms available to most people (closing your eyes and praying and then hoping it will all be ok since some old guy in the sky’s listened to you and will do something about it) is not available to us.
There are other mechanisms that are available to us though. For e.g. one rational mechanism is to know that whatever your fear, even the worst one, if it does actually come true, may effect you profoundly immediately … but a few months down the line, the impact is subdued and you will probably go on with your life (sometimes with more strength, sometimes with less).
Another rational mechanism is to understand that fear often arises when you feel powerless, when you feel things are not in your control. If your family members (or mine) die, there is nothing we can do about it. Before they die, if they are in need of medical help, we can provide that to varying degrees depending on our personal circumstances. We can also try our best rationally to cover them (taking out insurance, making sure they get their check ups etc). All the above actions give us some amount of control and may reduce the fear. But the control is very basic … the reality of the limited-ness of our lives remains (at-least for now, till they discover how to stop aging, and I don’t think that’ll necessarily be a great thing to have).
It’s a cliche, but we all have to face our fears in order to grow. It’s sometimes more painful for an atheist to do so (in the absence of a “higher power” crutch to defer to). It’s not morbid in my view to think about your fears in some detail and think how things will change if your fears act out in real life. But there is no need to dwell on these fears. You need to act/ work to lessen the impact of those fears on you. That work/ action can be mental or real – anything which helps you cope.
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We might sometimes think of others dying (or ourselves dying – naturally or otherwise). Its usually primarily due to fear. Fear that what is to come will be difficult for us to bear. Our own death might seem like an escape from what is to come and that of others may seem like something unbearable. We need to understand that we are not very good judges at imagining or understanding what is to come … and fueling our fears based on our limited imaginings is not of much value unless we use that to be prepared and to toughen ourselves mentally.
When our parents die, they will leave behind their fond memories in our minds. What we do in the world (the little or big impact we have on it) will be their impact on the world as well … since in most cases what we are is determined to a large extent by what we learnt from them or what they allowed us to learn under their guidance though they may not have agreed with what we picked up.